Friday, September 24, 2004

"SURVIVOR: ISLAND OF BOOBS." It's actually "Survivor: Vanuatu," but the main criterion for selecting female contestants in the show's ninth go-round seems to have been huge fake boobs. The born-again Christian who's older than me has huge fake boobs. (Oddly, the sheep-farming Britney Spears look-alike apparently doesn't. I guess that's why she got voted out.)

So far I've verified only one Official Slut Lower-Back Tattoo, but there must be more.

Maybe the pool of non-plastic aspirants has gotten pretty small by now. In another generation or so, all women will have huge fake boobs and Official Slut Lower-Back Tattoos. At some point can we agree to just stop it? Just call that a "gimme"? "Stipulate," as the lawyers like to say, that all women are created with huge fake boobs and Official Slut Lower-Back Tattoos and then stop defacing ourselves?

Oh, I'm the bad guy? Fine. Entrust yourself to these assholes.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

THE CURRENT SEASON'S reality-TV annoyances:

  • Colin, because he's a psychopath.

  • M.J., because . . . because . . . what's with this generation of females? Buddy Ebsen is suddenly "hot"?

  • Thursday, September 09, 2004

    I LIKE PBS's "America's Test Kitchen" for the same reason I like the Food Network's "Good Eats": It shows just how much improvisation, how much trial-and-error, there is to cooking.

    But Christopher Kimball really needs to think of another way to open the show. Every episode starts something like this:

    "When spaghetti with meatballs is good, it's a wonderful comfort-food treat. But when it's bad, it's a greasy mess of worms studded with hockey pucks."

    Something like that. What's especially entertaining is when that formula is applied to some dish that nobody's ever heard of. The program is in its fourth season, and it's running out of culinary standards. Chocolate mousse cake? Summer berry pie? OK, I can picture such things, but I'm supposed to have a clear idea of "good" ones and "bad" ones?

    When french fries topped with sunny-side-up eggs and Tabasco sauce are good . . .

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