Thursday, May 01, 2003

IT WAS GARBAGE DAY and once again the sidewalks were littered with the cardboard boxes that the trash collectors were too good to pick up.

No use fighting City Hall, of course, and so I'll switch to blaming the victims: Don't people know by now that the garbage men won't pick up just any garbage? I mean, it's not as though they get paid to do this! It's not as though they have big trucks equipped to hold and crush things!

The procedure for throwing away a cardboard box bigger than those used by Columbia House Music Club, if I remember it correctly, is as follows:

1. Find a box cutter, a sharp knife, a robust pair of scissors or a battle-hardened pair of hands and reduce the box to pieces smaller than a sheet of notebook paper. As many pieces as it takes.

2. (Optional but preferred.) Run those pieces through an industrial-quality shredder. A crosscut shredder, of course, not one of those piece-of-shit linguine makers.

3. Work up a nice bag of non-cardboard garbage, enough to conceal the cardboard from prying eyes, and hide the cardboard among it.

4. Write up a nice little note:
Hi there, Mr. Sanitation Engineer! Just FYI, I have no cardboard to throw away this week. In fact, I can't remember the last time I even saw cardboard. No, sirree!

The only paper you'll find with this bag is the attached $20 bill, a token of my appreciation for your fine work.

5. Attach note and currency to trash bag.

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