Thursday, April 03, 2003


You remember George Miller. He was that scruffy-but-not-in-a-cool-way standup comic who made you ask, "Why is he on Letterman?"

He was on David Letterman's late-night shows 56 times, in fact, partly because he and Dave were old friends and partly because he was sometimes very funny. He laughed at his own jokes a little too much and his delivery wasn't terribly polished, but I was a fan, as was my brother Terence. George Miller died last month at age 61 after a long case of leukemia.

I think I first saw George Miller on "Looking for Fun," an HBO special Letterman did after his morning show was canceled but before he got a late-night show. I scheduled my college classes around the morning show my freshman year (and also around "General Hospital" -- it was Luke-and-Laura time, you know), and I was Dave-starved by the time "Looking for Fun" aired. I wish HBO would show it again. Anyway, there was a bit where Dave takes a tour of George Miller's room.

George: "I have fun all kinds of ways, David ... I like to pile things in corners -- I don't know if you can see
this, but under this pile is the body of singer/songwriter Eddie Rabbitt."

This was before Eddie Rabbitt's premature death; I'm not sure whether it would have been funnier the other way around or not.

Here, as a belated tribute and with the help of Terence (and, in one case, GQ magazine), I present some of George Miller's other best jokes (wording approximate):

"Why are people drinking Diet Coke?"
Because they're fat and thirsty!

"Grape Nuts, the simple cereal."
Like corn flakes are so complicated.
"Want some corn flakes?"
"Oh, no, I don't want to get in over my head . . ."

I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking."

I saw two guys together -- I'm pretty sure they were gay, because one was singing "I'll Be Working My Way Back to You, Fred."

After making love to a woman, never utter a phrase such as" OK, Gertrude, that oughta hold ya for a while."

I absolutely oppose capital punishment -- unless it's for Richard Simmons.

Those commercials where the model says, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful." I don't: I hate you because you're a conceited bitch!

"Do you want top-quality merchandise at the lowest possible prices?"
No, we want to pay top dollar for crappy products!

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